Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
