we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
