Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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