I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
