I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
