i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
