'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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