I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
