I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
