My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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