my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
