How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
i love accidental penises.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
