God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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