i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
