Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
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