So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
