There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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