When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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