I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
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