if i can run in heels then i can drive
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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