I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Randomize
