I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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