Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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