Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
