Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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