wanna go halves on a baby?
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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