I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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