I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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