happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
