Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Randomize
