So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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