HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
