My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
