do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
