Small penises have feelings too.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
