hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
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She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
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i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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