I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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