so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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