Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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