so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
