I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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