Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
