I wannas sexs uuuuu
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
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