Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
