ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
