the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Life is so much better after having sex.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
