Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
