He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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