My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
My penis needs a shock collar
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
