i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
