I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
