Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
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I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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