Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
