I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
