i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
