..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
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