I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
