So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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