I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
