they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Randomize
