My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
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