i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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