I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
