I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
